Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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