he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
