he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
