my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
