can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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