I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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