I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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