I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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