my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
