I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
