why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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