Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
