checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
