i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
