Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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