A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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