I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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