Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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