oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
