Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
