i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
