If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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