Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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