Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
