No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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