i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
