I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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