i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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