OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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