I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
