I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
