as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
