running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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