dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
