Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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