living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
