I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize