I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
