my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
