No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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