I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
