Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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