I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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