Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
