At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had sex on a roof
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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