can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
