your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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