i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
