I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
