I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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