White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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