Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
