I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
