you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i love accidental penises.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
