thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
