does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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