She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
