Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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